Telling someone you have HIV

The medicine is the part that works. Telling people is the part nobody prepares you for, and it is usually what keeps people awake.

Who you actually have to tell

In the UK there is no general legal duty to tell your employer, your landlord, your friends or your family. It is your medical information and it stays yours.

Sexual partners are the question people worry about most, and it is worth getting proper information rather than a forum opinion, because the law is about transmission rather than disclosure, and someone who is undetectable cannot transmit. Terrence Higgins Trust can talk it through with you.

Insurance, travel and some visa applications ask their own questions. They are narrower than people fear.

Start with one person

Not the hardest person. One person who is likely to be steady, so that the first time you say the words out loud is survivable. After that it gets easier, because the sentence stops being an announcement and starts being a fact.

You do not owe anybody the full story at the moment you tell them. "I am fine, I am on treatment, and I will answer questions when I am ready" is a complete disclosure.

Expect their information to be thirty years out of date

Most people's idea of HIV comes from the 1980s. They may react to something that has not been true since before you were born.

It helps to have a link ready to send afterwards, when they have gone away and started searching. Their questions are usually about transmission and life expectancy, and both have clear modern answers.

Some words that work

"I need to tell you something and I need you to let me finish. I have HIV. I am on treatment, it works, and I am well."

"I found out a few weeks ago. I am telling you because you matter to me, not because anything is wrong."

"I am undetectable, which means I cannot pass it on to anyone. I would rather you heard that from me than read it somewhere."

Where this comes from

Talkpositive is peer support, not a medical service. Anything about your own treatment belongs with your clinic, and they will not mind you asking.

If you would rather ask someone who has been through it

Talkpositive is a free, private community for people living with HIV. No real name needed, nothing public, nothing in search engines. Small rooms by what you are going through, and quiet one-to-one conversations that open only when both people have said hello.

Have a look at Talkpositive